Victoya McDermott

12/4/2014 

Bryant Park Revisions 

Original

   He sits at a grey round table, in the cafe area of the big library on 42nd street. He starts typing on his laptop, then his fingers suddenly stops moving and he loosens his navy blue tie that's sits on his light blue shirt. He starts biting his finger nails then starts drumming his finger tips on his left knee that is covered by black slacks. He gets up walks a couple of steps to his left, his black leather shoes squeaking with every step. He rubs his head then sits back down. His phone rings and he pulls out a white and gold iPhone 5s, he yells into the receiver that he "I needs more time". He hangs up the phone and throws his head down on the keyboard his silver reading glasses falling to the table. He starts to look around the cafe, and then stares at his keyboard, the corner of his mouth begins to pull and he starts typing away.

Revised

The grey table he sits at in the café area of the big library on 42^nd street vibrates as he types away on his mac laptop; the typing suddenly stops and he loosens is navy blue that sits on his light blue shirt. Biting his finger nails and drumming his finger tips on his left knee that is covered by black slacks, he slowly looks up to the ceiling and takes a long deep breath. He suddenly gets up, starts to walk a couple steps to his left, squeaking coming from his black leather shoes as he moves. Rubbing his head he then sits back down. A ringing comes from his pocket and he pulls out a white and gold iPhone 5s, he yells into the receiver “I need more time”. Hanging up the phone and throwing his head down on the keyboard with his silver reading glasses falling on to the table. He starts to look around the café, stares at his keyboard as the corner of his mouth begins to pull, he then starts typing away.

Original

  She walks holding her lower back while her loose sheer black shirt blows in the wind. The guys she's with is holding her arm gently walking her to the nearest green table. She sits down crossing her legs showing her freshly pedicured toes in her pink sandals. He loosens his top button of his white button down shirt and takes a seat in the green chair next to hers. They both stare smiling at each other for a while; he then goes into a yellow bag with the letters PAX written on it. He pulls out a tuna sandwich and a water bottle that says Poland spring. He feeds her a bite of the sandwich accidentally spilling tuna on his khaki pants. He uses a brown napkin to wipe it up and notices she has tuna stuck on the left corner of her puffy pink lips; he uses the napkin to wipe it away gently. She brushes his red cheeks and he begins to smile, then they both began to chuckle. He whispers something into her ear then rubs her belly and she smiles and wipes away a tear off her swollen face.

Revised

 Walking holding her lower back while her loose sheer black shirt blows in the wind, she’s with a guy who is holding her arm gently walking her to the nearest green table. Crossing her legs while she sits down on one of the green chairs, her toes reveal a freshly pedicured nails in her pink sandals. Loosening his top button of his white button down shirt, he sits in the green chair next to hers. Staring into each other eyes, they both began to smile at each other; he then goes into a yellow bag with the letters PAX written on it. Pulling out a tuna sandwich and a bottle of water with the words Poland spring in white. While feeding her a bite of the sandwich he accidentally spills tuna on his khaki pants. Using a brown napkin to wipe it up, she leans over to brush his red cheeks, he begins to smile again, then they both chuckle. He whispers something into her ear as he rubs her belly, smiling she wipes away a tear off her swollen face.

Original

Her blondish brownish pigtails swings back and forth as she runs through the grass humming a song, her yellow flower dress blowing with the wind. She's splashing in every puddle with her blue rain boots with every step she takes. She then turns to and spots the birds her brown eyes glistening in the sunlight, she starts to chase after them. She starts spinning in circles chuckling, her voice high pitched. She takes a piece of white sheet paper out of her back pack shaped like a poodle and lays on the grass coloring with a green crayon. She then starts to hum the same tune she was humming just moments ago. A lady in a blue sheer dress calls out to her "Allison let's go honey". She turns to the lady and smiles reveling small dimples on both of her cheeks and skips toward the lady. They both hold hands and head out the park.

Revised

She runs through the grass humming a song as her blondish brownish pigtails swing back and forth. Wearing a yellow flower, it blows with the wind every sprint she takes. Splashing in every puddle with her blue rain boots, she then turns and spots the birds, her brown eyes glow with joy while glistening in the sunlight, she starts to chase after the birds, then starts spinning in circles, using her high pitched voice she lets out a chuckle. Taking a piece of white paper out of her back pack shaped like a poodle, she then lays on the grass and begins coloring with a green crayon. Humming the same tune she was humming just moments ago, a lady in a blue sheer dress then appears and calls out to her “Allison lets go honey”. Turning to the lady, she smiles reveling small dimples on both of her cheeks and skips toward her. Hand and hand they both head towards the parks exit.